A Long Pause....

Sometimes in life I think you just have to pause...take a moment ... look around...and then in the mirror...I feel like the last few years have been that for me (or maybe I have always done this, maybe we all do!)
My God led Sabbatical...my healing...many other things that have stood in the way of me being who God created me to be, and who I am ..
So, as I came to the end of my Sabbatical, I think I "expected" (clue #1 it was a wrong idea) that I would just be in constant one on one time with God, that because I took myself away, that somehow I would find myself again and be this perfection view of who I am...(sorry if the words twist, hopefully if you keep reading you will see them untwist!)
And then I felt humbled by all of this...expectation and perfection...both not of God, but of this world...
so there it was I didn't come away with FULL resistance to the ways of this word, in fact, I was again brought into the mindset...I had "failed" (lies from satan btw)
I wanted to blog and talk and yet how would I ever put into words that I was a failure...so then you resist God slightly, maybe I am not truly "good-enough"...maybe , or you dive into more of the Word to prove you are as good as you are (instead of seeking truth from it!)...either way LIES...
So the next thing I knew, I was in a LONG PAUSE...
and in this I heard God speak, and love on me in a way more deeply and intimately than before, and His love and reminder of I am who HE made me to be...I will always be broken, but through Christ new...and I will ALWAYS have the pull of this world struggle, daily in fact, but through HIM and HIM ALONE, I will gain strength, wisdom and knowledge to grow to Him and seek only His truths!
Will I ever 100% of the time ALWAYS get it right???
NOPE, but I will get more aware, I will become more open to this, and I will fall, but only look to Him to pick me up!
What a GIFT!
So...this Long Pause was as significant as my sabbatical and maybe more so, as I grew even from that point to now...
and as I go forward I will have "pauses", but know to go straight to God so the lies of my failing aren't allowed in...
I have learned so much over this, and to try to write them in words would seem as though the concept is simple or something I have always known.
However, one for example is TO LOVE, LOVE...
I have always had a heart for others, and compassion..but as some point no matter how hard I tried judgement would sometimes (not every time) sneak in..I say sneak, because the thoughts in my heart were there regardless if spoken..and then through God's word, through Him, LOVE formed a new meaning...a meaning of no matter whether I agree, disagree, like or don't, whether it is a "sin", or horrible decision..ugly words, or lifestyle...I am called to LOVE, and not just say it, but MEAN IT, and believe it, and pray for it..and KNOW that God loves them regardless of the sin or ugly etc..He loves them as I should!
This is a word we are introduced to so often in life, and one I have always known...but this view, God's view, takes it to an entire level..
one way He has worked in me, is with my "enemies"...you know the Bible says to LOVE your enemies..I don't think I ever understood HOW, I could say the words, but my heart spoke other! But now...I TRULY do LOVE my "enemies"..I actually PRAY for them, and not that they would change, or realize how awful they are (judgemental spoken words)...I pray that God's LOVE would just POUR over them! I pray that if I pass them I can smile and wave..even if they don't respond or treat me as "less"...Jesus was often treated as LESS but LOVED all the same...I pray that my own insecurities do not get in the way of showing what God has done and can do, and will do...and when I "fail" in this, I pray forgiveness of my actions, words, or many times just thoughts...and I began to pray again...
There it is...my LONG PAUSE...my time in consultation, so to speak, with God...think I will stay there, and when I wander, I pray that anyone who reads this would pray I seek truth every time, that God would call you or others to pray and boldly speak for Him if called to..and I pray for everyone of you who reads this...
maybe I know you by name, maybe I don't ... but I give Glory to God for each of you, and for His words, and His desired words coming out through this blog <3
OH, and when I am feeling like a failure, or "less than" a Christian, I am praying my insecurities away and God's bravery to share His work through me when I am feeling at a low point..because sometimes the greatest "works" are taking place!

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE." 1 Corinthians 13:11-13

Love you all Always,
Rach