I happen to be one of the many people who I know "screen" their calls...if I don't know the number then I don't pick up 9.5 times out of 10...not saying it's good or bad, just sharing ....
so today I had a two of these events..both with their own sets of joy and tears
This morning I received the first of these calls...it was JJ's neurologist calling to confirm what we knew, but is now officially ADHD, and give us the new round of meds we would start with, the follow ups that will begin much more frequently than I anticipated .... but we are moving forward with this and trusting God as He will lead up to what we need to do next. I will share with Spring Break his anxieties have increased, along with behaviors and stress level..so if this is something that will help him feel ok in his own body, then we are thankful <3 This call brings a few tears, but joy in the hope we have to give JJ what he needs...
Then this afternoon another strange number..I almost picked this one up, but decided not too...a voicemail that began "This is___ from Grace with the Houston Missions Retreat, first Kelli is OK, I repeat nothing is wrong AT ALL, she is great"...sigh of relief as my stomach had started to turn...then the beautiful woman on the other end of the line began describing our beautiful daughter, and her heart for God, for people, for missions, for service...and what a joy she has been to this leader and the group and the people...(enter tears and joy here, all in one!) ... what a call, and I have to admit I am so thankful I didn't answer, because I wouldn't have known how to respond, or could've interrupted to comment, or JJ in the background...and now I have this beautiful voicemail of the amazing beautiful description of our Bug <3 and her heart for God and others <3 one that I can play over, and over...and have...a true blessing....
and of course I am so aware everyday that this is such a gift, FROM GOD, and I know I only play a part of being her mom, but I am so honored, and so humbled, because I know she is a glimpse of the abundant Grace that God poured in my life at the age of 16, when everything could have gone awful, God poured His grace on me, and gave me Kelli, who continues to take my breathe away as I see her, and see God changing a legacy <3
Now I don't want to discount the call for JJ either...I didn't hear a voicemail that described how wonderful he is, and amazing...I didn't hear words that shared his gifts, his talents, his blessings to others...no it was a different call, it was a clinical, blunt call that said "This is the medicine he needs to start, on this date, with these follow ups"....it wasn't one where my heart leaped in joy....but as I hung up the call, as I sat in the reality I already knew was beginning...I cried out to my God, and praised Him for His Sovereignty, for His love..and for the gift of JJ..that God trusted us to walk in JJ's journey with him, that God picked us to raise this little boy who seems to have to climb mountain tops to only take one small step, and we were given the privilege to be a part of JJ's life, which has shown us to take every piece of life to the fullest, and enjoy every moment <3 that was the reminder and gift given in this call <3
Who would have guessed as I ended a day filled with busy...that two phone calls, both went to voicemail, would be such a gift a blessing in my day..in my life...two small phone calls to remind me of two of the greatest gifts that God has given me...I am so humbled and thankful by His love, grace, and sovereignty <3
With Love as Always,
Rach
“Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them” Deuteronomy 4:9
Friday, March 16, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Going where the wind takes us
There are times in life that directions change and we move into a new area of life that we are unsure of, or just skeptical of...maybe because we don't know what God is doing, or maybe we didn't consult Him in the "move". I have been in both of these positions in my lifetime, and I am sure I will again..although I hope not to be in the "didn't consult Him" to often.
As I sit and think of what and how to share, "my song" of the year is playing on Klove in the background.."All I know is I'm not home yet..this is not where I belong..take this world and give me Jesus..this is not where I belong"...and I have tears in my eyes..
what a glorious feeling to know that I am foreign to this world, I am not a child of the earth, I am a child of GOD, the one and only <3
I don't know about you, but I get chills as I think of belonging to an amazing Father who created me for His purpose..I have a purpose, not by accident, but by design! Just keeps me in AWE of the love He has for me and for all of us <3
Over the last few months, since Christmas really, God has been pulling on my heart to hear Him, and I would think I did and I would start to walk in the direction of His voice, and then I would hear something else...talk about frustration and sadness...I thought I was seeking Him, and I didn't understand what He was doing. I could SEE Him, I could hear what I thought was Him, I would talk to Him, plead for answers to what changes were happening...and then it came...
God spoke to my husband, and through my husband..and there was no doubts, no noise, no question about where God was leading me, leading our family, and speaking to my husband <3
I would have to say this has been the most beautiful experience I have had...and I can't truly put into words what this means <3 but our direction, not mine, our direction as a family has been shifted..what the time frame looks like is only something God can see, but with my husband leading, we are obedient and patient as we move forward one small step at a time <3
Over the last few months there have been so many family changes as we lead up to this moment, which is so new...but we have been blessed to experience poverty through our daughter who was homeless for the weekend last month, and we cried as we learned our son now has ADHD, but rejoiced in God's Sovereignty...we have celebrated with friends and family in their adoption direction, and feel humbled to get to be a small piece in their lives to be included in this...we have cried as we found out friends who have a child with a similar heart defect would be undergoing a surgery, but we prayed and trust that God holds everyone of His children through everything...we've praised God as we see our son functioning in a classroom, even as he has one to one help, he is there..and as the overwhelming realities sat in with some changes I cried to my husband who graciously stepped up and in where he was needed and prayed to God as He moved me through these things....this last weekend I sat with 200 beautiful women at our retreat and watched God work first hand in one after another lives...laughter, tears, rejoicing, and friendship <3 as we reflected His Holiness and learned what that looks like in day to day life...all while praising Him...and sitting in His glorious truths this last week as new ideas and realities have overturned, I can only feel JOY...and today I dropped off our Bug to go work with Missions in Houston for the week..and I beamed as she text on their way out "I am sooo very excited!!!!!!!!"...she knows God has big plans....
so many more things, but sitting with Him, knowing He is leading...He is showing us where He wants us to go, and with His strength, promises, courage, joy, trust, faith (I can go on)....we are following where the wind takes us ..where His Spirit leads us <3 so while I don't have details to share at this time, I can ask for your prayers when you think of our family, just pray we continue to seek Him, His will, His direction <3
Love Always, Rach
As I sit and think of what and how to share, "my song" of the year is playing on Klove in the background.."All I know is I'm not home yet..this is not where I belong..take this world and give me Jesus..this is not where I belong"...and I have tears in my eyes..
what a glorious feeling to know that I am foreign to this world, I am not a child of the earth, I am a child of GOD, the one and only <3
I don't know about you, but I get chills as I think of belonging to an amazing Father who created me for His purpose..I have a purpose, not by accident, but by design! Just keeps me in AWE of the love He has for me and for all of us <3
Over the last few months, since Christmas really, God has been pulling on my heart to hear Him, and I would think I did and I would start to walk in the direction of His voice, and then I would hear something else...talk about frustration and sadness...I thought I was seeking Him, and I didn't understand what He was doing. I could SEE Him, I could hear what I thought was Him, I would talk to Him, plead for answers to what changes were happening...and then it came...
God spoke to my husband, and through my husband..and there was no doubts, no noise, no question about where God was leading me, leading our family, and speaking to my husband <3
I would have to say this has been the most beautiful experience I have had...and I can't truly put into words what this means <3 but our direction, not mine, our direction as a family has been shifted..what the time frame looks like is only something God can see, but with my husband leading, we are obedient and patient as we move forward one small step at a time <3
Over the last few months there have been so many family changes as we lead up to this moment, which is so new...but we have been blessed to experience poverty through our daughter who was homeless for the weekend last month, and we cried as we learned our son now has ADHD, but rejoiced in God's Sovereignty...we have celebrated with friends and family in their adoption direction, and feel humbled to get to be a small piece in their lives to be included in this...we have cried as we found out friends who have a child with a similar heart defect would be undergoing a surgery, but we prayed and trust that God holds everyone of His children through everything...we've praised God as we see our son functioning in a classroom, even as he has one to one help, he is there..and as the overwhelming realities sat in with some changes I cried to my husband who graciously stepped up and in where he was needed and prayed to God as He moved me through these things....this last weekend I sat with 200 beautiful women at our retreat and watched God work first hand in one after another lives...laughter, tears, rejoicing, and friendship <3 as we reflected His Holiness and learned what that looks like in day to day life...all while praising Him...and sitting in His glorious truths this last week as new ideas and realities have overturned, I can only feel JOY...and today I dropped off our Bug to go work with Missions in Houston for the week..and I beamed as she text on their way out "I am sooo very excited!!!!!!!!"...she knows God has big plans....
so many more things, but sitting with Him, knowing He is leading...He is showing us where He wants us to go, and with His strength, promises, courage, joy, trust, faith (I can go on)....we are following where the wind takes us ..where His Spirit leads us <3 so while I don't have details to share at this time, I can ask for your prayers when you think of our family, just pray we continue to seek Him, His will, His direction <3
Love Always, Rach
"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit."
John 3:8
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I have a HIGHSCHOOLER?!?!
So I may seem a little delayed in this discovery...as she has been in highschool for the past 4+months..but REALLY, my baby girl is in highschool...just wow
We are ending our CHRISTmas break and the kiddos head back tomorrow...it seems to quick, and yet I know I was ready for the decorations to come down and life to get back to "normal", and yet I am sad as the music goes back and the days will become scheduled...seems like a piece of my heart is going away tomorrow...
partly because my JJ will be starting his new school, which is such a God led move, but it is still something "new" and both of us will need time to adjust with this, but we will...and then my Bug goes back to HIGHSCHOOL, yes I have to put this is all caps, I still can't believe it! Every time I tell someone I just shake my head a little bit...she is in highschool, seems so crazy, but she is....
I realize the last time I wrote was in July, WOW, I always intend to get on here more, maybe one day I will be a "true" blogger, or maybe God will just have me stay the occasional writer who "blogs" here and there..I don't know, I don't know what this new year brings...but I know God has some big plans, as He had this last year...
2011 was amazing...in a small recap, if I can do anything small:
-MAJOR healing in friendships and life
-I GOT A HIGHSCHOOLER ;-p
-JJ has had the BEST heart check-ups since birth!
-I lost over 100 pounds!!! This was ALL God and this journey continues!
-My husband and me grew closer and more open to one another
-I am in TEXAS STATE! ahhh
-Closer with family <3 LOVE THIS
-Many new people and friendships!!!
-There were many "firsts" for me and our family
-We got a DOG!
-Fabi and I went ZIPLINING (we go again this year, on a BIG course, ekk)
-I learn more every year about who I am in Christ and learn to love the woman I am and growing to be, reminding myself I am a work in progress, so NEVER looking at who I was, but accepting the forgiveness and moving on
-Many tears....while I stay filled with joy always, this doesn't mean I don't have bad moments or sad moments..but I can't recall them to even share, through God I learn to give those days to Him and not dwell in them, but dwell in HIM!
-Kel got braces (Yay), JJ lost a toenail (GROSS)
-Fabi started working out too, and has motivated me to move more as I motivated him to eat better!
And i could go on, but did say short...mostly I look back at the year and thank God, wow! He has taken me and grown me in many ways, and while I resisted, He persisted and didn't give up...when i failed He didn't condemn me, He picked me up and loved me...
this is an attribute I pray I can have one day for all of those around me...there were easy days and hard days, and I am thankful for both....there are nights I went to bed thankful and humbled by the choices I made...and nights I went to bed trying to justify the choices, only to be humbled and asking forgiveness for them....just like anyone else!
But 2011 was amazing and I am happily moving into 2012....
God gave me a word last year "willing"...that was my one word...He showed me many versions of what it looked like, and I followed..
I prayerfully accept the word He has given me for this year "Faith-Driven"...not passive, but a verb, action! Wow, God!
Through Him I will explore and discover what this means, and is...what He is preparing me for, I don't know, but He does and I will walk (actively) in Faith, and be Driven by His desires for that walk!
I am still praying for a verse to go with this, I know He has it, I just have to be still and active (??!?!?!) to find it or hear Him <3
Love you All <3
Rach
We are ending our CHRISTmas break and the kiddos head back tomorrow...it seems to quick, and yet I know I was ready for the decorations to come down and life to get back to "normal", and yet I am sad as the music goes back and the days will become scheduled...seems like a piece of my heart is going away tomorrow...
partly because my JJ will be starting his new school, which is such a God led move, but it is still something "new" and both of us will need time to adjust with this, but we will...and then my Bug goes back to HIGHSCHOOL, yes I have to put this is all caps, I still can't believe it! Every time I tell someone I just shake my head a little bit...she is in highschool, seems so crazy, but she is....
I realize the last time I wrote was in July, WOW, I always intend to get on here more, maybe one day I will be a "true" blogger, or maybe God will just have me stay the occasional writer who "blogs" here and there..I don't know, I don't know what this new year brings...but I know God has some big plans, as He had this last year...
2011 was amazing...in a small recap, if I can do anything small:
-MAJOR healing in friendships and life
-I GOT A HIGHSCHOOLER ;-p
-JJ has had the BEST heart check-ups since birth!
-I lost over 100 pounds!!! This was ALL God and this journey continues!
-My husband and me grew closer and more open to one another
-I am in TEXAS STATE! ahhh
-Closer with family <3 LOVE THIS
-Many new people and friendships!!!
-There were many "firsts" for me and our family
-We got a DOG!
-Fabi and I went ZIPLINING (we go again this year, on a BIG course, ekk)
-I learn more every year about who I am in Christ and learn to love the woman I am and growing to be, reminding myself I am a work in progress, so NEVER looking at who I was, but accepting the forgiveness and moving on
-Many tears....while I stay filled with joy always, this doesn't mean I don't have bad moments or sad moments..but I can't recall them to even share, through God I learn to give those days to Him and not dwell in them, but dwell in HIM!
-Kel got braces (Yay), JJ lost a toenail (GROSS)
-Fabi started working out too, and has motivated me to move more as I motivated him to eat better!
And i could go on, but did say short...mostly I look back at the year and thank God, wow! He has taken me and grown me in many ways, and while I resisted, He persisted and didn't give up...when i failed He didn't condemn me, He picked me up and loved me...
this is an attribute I pray I can have one day for all of those around me...there were easy days and hard days, and I am thankful for both....there are nights I went to bed thankful and humbled by the choices I made...and nights I went to bed trying to justify the choices, only to be humbled and asking forgiveness for them....just like anyone else!
But 2011 was amazing and I am happily moving into 2012....
God gave me a word last year "willing"...that was my one word...He showed me many versions of what it looked like, and I followed..
I prayerfully accept the word He has given me for this year "Faith-Driven"...not passive, but a verb, action! Wow, God!
Through Him I will explore and discover what this means, and is...what He is preparing me for, I don't know, but He does and I will walk (actively) in Faith, and be Driven by His desires for that walk!
I am still praying for a verse to go with this, I know He has it, I just have to be still and active (??!?!?!) to find it or hear Him <3
Love you All <3
Rach
Saturday, July 23, 2011
A Long Pause....
Sometimes in life I think you just have to pause...take a moment ... look around...and then in the mirror...I feel like the last few years have been that for me (or maybe I have always done this, maybe we all do!)
My God led Sabbatical...my healing...many other things that have stood in the way of me being who God created me to be, and who I am ..
So, as I came to the end of my Sabbatical, I think I "expected" (clue #1 it was a wrong idea) that I would just be in constant one on one time with God, that because I took myself away, that somehow I would find myself again and be this perfection view of who I am...(sorry if the words twist, hopefully if you keep reading you will see them untwist!)
And then I felt humbled by all of this...expectation and perfection...both not of God, but of this world...
so there it was I didn't come away with FULL resistance to the ways of this word, in fact, I was again brought into the mindset...I had "failed" (lies from satan btw)
I wanted to blog and talk and yet how would I ever put into words that I was a failure...so then you resist God slightly, maybe I am not truly "good-enough"...maybe , or you dive into more of the Word to prove you are as good as you are (instead of seeking truth from it!)...either way LIES...
So the next thing I knew, I was in a LONG PAUSE...
and in this I heard God speak, and love on me in a way more deeply and intimately than before, and His love and reminder of I am who HE made me to be...I will always be broken, but through Christ new...and I will ALWAYS have the pull of this world struggle, daily in fact, but through HIM and HIM ALONE, I will gain strength, wisdom and knowledge to grow to Him and seek only His truths!
Will I ever 100% of the time ALWAYS get it right???
NOPE, but I will get more aware, I will become more open to this, and I will fall, but only look to Him to pick me up!
What a GIFT!
So...this Long Pause was as significant as my sabbatical and maybe more so, as I grew even from that point to now...
and as I go forward I will have "pauses", but know to go straight to God so the lies of my failing aren't allowed in...
I have learned so much over this, and to try to write them in words would seem as though the concept is simple or something I have always known.
However, one for example is TO LOVE, LOVE...
I have always had a heart for others, and compassion..but as some point no matter how hard I tried judgement would sometimes (not every time) sneak in..I say sneak, because the thoughts in my heart were there regardless if spoken..and then through God's word, through Him, LOVE formed a new meaning...a meaning of no matter whether I agree, disagree, like or don't, whether it is a "sin", or horrible decision..ugly words, or lifestyle...I am called to LOVE, and not just say it, but MEAN IT, and believe it, and pray for it..and KNOW that God loves them regardless of the sin or ugly etc..He loves them as I should!
This is a word we are introduced to so often in life, and one I have always known...but this view, God's view, takes it to an entire level..
one way He has worked in me, is with my "enemies"...you know the Bible says to LOVE your enemies..I don't think I ever understood HOW, I could say the words, but my heart spoke other! But now...I TRULY do LOVE my "enemies"..I actually PRAY for them, and not that they would change, or realize how awful they are (judgemental spoken words)...I pray that God's LOVE would just POUR over them! I pray that if I pass them I can smile and wave..even if they don't respond or treat me as "less"...Jesus was often treated as LESS but LOVED all the same...I pray that my own insecurities do not get in the way of showing what God has done and can do, and will do...and when I "fail" in this, I pray forgiveness of my actions, words, or many times just thoughts...and I began to pray again...
There it is...my LONG PAUSE...my time in consultation, so to speak, with God...think I will stay there, and when I wander, I pray that anyone who reads this would pray I seek truth every time, that God would call you or others to pray and boldly speak for Him if called to..and I pray for everyone of you who reads this...
maybe I know you by name, maybe I don't ... but I give Glory to God for each of you, and for His words, and His desired words coming out through this blog <3
OH, and when I am feeling like a failure, or "less than" a Christian, I am praying my insecurities away and God's bravery to share His work through me when I am feeling at a low point..because sometimes the greatest "works" are taking place!
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE." 1 Corinthians 13:11-13
Love you all Always,
Rach
My God led Sabbatical...my healing...many other things that have stood in the way of me being who God created me to be, and who I am ..
So, as I came to the end of my Sabbatical, I think I "expected" (clue #1 it was a wrong idea) that I would just be in constant one on one time with God, that because I took myself away, that somehow I would find myself again and be this perfection view of who I am...(sorry if the words twist, hopefully if you keep reading you will see them untwist!)
And then I felt humbled by all of this...expectation and perfection...both not of God, but of this world...
so there it was I didn't come away with FULL resistance to the ways of this word, in fact, I was again brought into the mindset...I had "failed" (lies from satan btw)
I wanted to blog and talk and yet how would I ever put into words that I was a failure...so then you resist God slightly, maybe I am not truly "good-enough"...maybe , or you dive into more of the Word to prove you are as good as you are (instead of seeking truth from it!)...either way LIES...
So the next thing I knew, I was in a LONG PAUSE...
and in this I heard God speak, and love on me in a way more deeply and intimately than before, and His love and reminder of I am who HE made me to be...I will always be broken, but through Christ new...and I will ALWAYS have the pull of this world struggle, daily in fact, but through HIM and HIM ALONE, I will gain strength, wisdom and knowledge to grow to Him and seek only His truths!
Will I ever 100% of the time ALWAYS get it right???
NOPE, but I will get more aware, I will become more open to this, and I will fall, but only look to Him to pick me up!
What a GIFT!
So...this Long Pause was as significant as my sabbatical and maybe more so, as I grew even from that point to now...
and as I go forward I will have "pauses", but know to go straight to God so the lies of my failing aren't allowed in...
I have learned so much over this, and to try to write them in words would seem as though the concept is simple or something I have always known.
However, one for example is TO LOVE, LOVE...
I have always had a heart for others, and compassion..but as some point no matter how hard I tried judgement would sometimes (not every time) sneak in..I say sneak, because the thoughts in my heart were there regardless if spoken..and then through God's word, through Him, LOVE formed a new meaning...a meaning of no matter whether I agree, disagree, like or don't, whether it is a "sin", or horrible decision..ugly words, or lifestyle...I am called to LOVE, and not just say it, but MEAN IT, and believe it, and pray for it..and KNOW that God loves them regardless of the sin or ugly etc..He loves them as I should!
This is a word we are introduced to so often in life, and one I have always known...but this view, God's view, takes it to an entire level..
one way He has worked in me, is with my "enemies"...you know the Bible says to LOVE your enemies..I don't think I ever understood HOW, I could say the words, but my heart spoke other! But now...I TRULY do LOVE my "enemies"..I actually PRAY for them, and not that they would change, or realize how awful they are (judgemental spoken words)...I pray that God's LOVE would just POUR over them! I pray that if I pass them I can smile and wave..even if they don't respond or treat me as "less"...Jesus was often treated as LESS but LOVED all the same...I pray that my own insecurities do not get in the way of showing what God has done and can do, and will do...and when I "fail" in this, I pray forgiveness of my actions, words, or many times just thoughts...and I began to pray again...
There it is...my LONG PAUSE...my time in consultation, so to speak, with God...think I will stay there, and when I wander, I pray that anyone who reads this would pray I seek truth every time, that God would call you or others to pray and boldly speak for Him if called to..and I pray for everyone of you who reads this...
maybe I know you by name, maybe I don't ... but I give Glory to God for each of you, and for His words, and His desired words coming out through this blog <3
OH, and when I am feeling like a failure, or "less than" a Christian, I am praying my insecurities away and God's bravery to share His work through me when I am feeling at a low point..because sometimes the greatest "works" are taking place!
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE." 1 Corinthians 13:11-13
Love you all Always,
Rach
Friday, March 18, 2011
A Taste for Reading....
About a month ago I was given an open door to join a book club...a moment of panic might have overcome me as I thought of making another "commitment" in my life, in which I feel I have so many as it is...
but this was different..the book is one that has set on my shelf for at least 2yrs, and I would think about it only to put it down and once again claim "I have no time to read"...or "I only have time for textbooks and the Bible"...and this list goes on...
now let me assure you there is no sarcasm that comes in my statement about the Bible, at all, I think that is the place to get your true fulfillment in reading and learning about God and who He is...but I think, I know at least for me, reading has opened a deeper connection between me and God, between me and the Bible..between me and whatever book God brings to me...
will this happen with each book? No I doubt it, it just happened these last two I read were both God-filled and God- Glorified..and both so different and yet the same about the authors personal journeys..ones I could connect with and relate too...
Oh just so curiosity doesn't get the better of you, they were "Made to Crave" and "Same Kind of Different as Me" Both I highly recommend!
Now I have a new book club book and I am excited to dive into it when it arrives, but decided I would start "The Shack"...I have just barely opened the cover, and I can see already it will take me on another intense journey...this one is fiction, and yet the circumstances and situations that surround it are all too real...I am excited and yet a little nervous...
but I believe that God has given me something so valuable through these 2 first books...He has given me so much more through them, but He gave me a taste for reading, something I have desired for years and never could get..I find myself in constant conversation with Him about the books...in fact at book club I don't think I said more than two words about the book, and yet I have such a passion about it that couldn't be expressed...at least outside of my head..
my daughter read "The Same Kind of different as Me" after I was done, and she loved it as well, and still, just couldn't find words to say what it did and meant...
next I went back to "Made to Crave" I had started the first few chapters and I don't think I was ready to finish, until I finished my other book...
I couldn't put it down..I laughed, cried, and talked with God the whole time...as the reality of one of my biggest struggles was put in my face as if God Himself wrote it and was speaking it to me...yes that real..yes that true...and it wasn't JUST the words written in the book, it was God speaking so directly and boldly to me..not audibly..but w/o a single doubt from Him..and I felt the "weight" of my struggle become lighter as He took it from me...let me RE-phrase that...as I let it go finally, for the first time in my life..I let it go and gave it all to Him..knowing that it wouldn't magically get better, and in fact as more realities opened, it would become harder...and yet I now knew..know..that He has them..there is a freedom in this..and for the first time this struggle is not my own..it is not greater than God..it is not above Him...HE is holding it, HE has it...
for those of you who have never heard of this book, I highly recommend "Google" it and learn more..it is a about the struggle with food, with weight...but it is SO SO SO much more...
that bares repeating...
it IS about the struggle of food, weight..but it is SO SO SO much more! I can promise you that!
I can also promise that is you allow it, it will open the door to your heart to allow God to speak to the depths of you, and HIS truths will be revealed like never before...
yes there is a wonderful, talented author who wrote the book, but I can say with certainty, that GOD wrote that book through her..and I have no doubt she would fully agree!
So there is it...my taste for reading has come..something I longed for as I have bought countless books, sat in book stores for HOURS....smelled the inside of books...yes I said smelled...there's something about the inside of a new book..the pages so fresh..and yes I JUST had to stop and smell one...
and then there is almost a "magic" (I use that term loosely) in an old book...that smell of ...well it is almost a smell of history..I feel like I go back with the book, and I am in that place where the book was published so many years before my existence...something I will never get tired of...
and now with my love and passion for books...I have a taste..and it is sweeter than anything I have tasted...it has opened my mind, my heart, my conversations with God...my inner most being to who He created me..and I look forward to this new journey that God has given me...along with so much more....
I pray each of you find your "taste"
"I pray You, O God, that I may be beautiful within" Socrates
"I have found my beautiful" Made to Crave
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not"
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:4
Love you All <3
but this was different..the book is one that has set on my shelf for at least 2yrs, and I would think about it only to put it down and once again claim "I have no time to read"...or "I only have time for textbooks and the Bible"...and this list goes on...
now let me assure you there is no sarcasm that comes in my statement about the Bible, at all, I think that is the place to get your true fulfillment in reading and learning about God and who He is...but I think, I know at least for me, reading has opened a deeper connection between me and God, between me and the Bible..between me and whatever book God brings to me...
will this happen with each book? No I doubt it, it just happened these last two I read were both God-filled and God- Glorified..and both so different and yet the same about the authors personal journeys..ones I could connect with and relate too...
Oh just so curiosity doesn't get the better of you, they were "Made to Crave" and "Same Kind of Different as Me" Both I highly recommend!
Now I have a new book club book and I am excited to dive into it when it arrives, but decided I would start "The Shack"...I have just barely opened the cover, and I can see already it will take me on another intense journey...this one is fiction, and yet the circumstances and situations that surround it are all too real...I am excited and yet a little nervous...
but I believe that God has given me something so valuable through these 2 first books...He has given me so much more through them, but He gave me a taste for reading, something I have desired for years and never could get..I find myself in constant conversation with Him about the books...in fact at book club I don't think I said more than two words about the book, and yet I have such a passion about it that couldn't be expressed...at least outside of my head..
my daughter read "The Same Kind of different as Me" after I was done, and she loved it as well, and still, just couldn't find words to say what it did and meant...
next I went back to "Made to Crave" I had started the first few chapters and I don't think I was ready to finish, until I finished my other book...
I couldn't put it down..I laughed, cried, and talked with God the whole time...as the reality of one of my biggest struggles was put in my face as if God Himself wrote it and was speaking it to me...yes that real..yes that true...and it wasn't JUST the words written in the book, it was God speaking so directly and boldly to me..not audibly..but w/o a single doubt from Him..and I felt the "weight" of my struggle become lighter as He took it from me...let me RE-phrase that...as I let it go finally, for the first time in my life..I let it go and gave it all to Him..knowing that it wouldn't magically get better, and in fact as more realities opened, it would become harder...and yet I now knew..know..that He has them..there is a freedom in this..and for the first time this struggle is not my own..it is not greater than God..it is not above Him...HE is holding it, HE has it...
for those of you who have never heard of this book, I highly recommend "Google" it and learn more..it is a about the struggle with food, with weight...but it is SO SO SO much more...
that bares repeating...
it IS about the struggle of food, weight..but it is SO SO SO much more! I can promise you that!
I can also promise that is you allow it, it will open the door to your heart to allow God to speak to the depths of you, and HIS truths will be revealed like never before...
yes there is a wonderful, talented author who wrote the book, but I can say with certainty, that GOD wrote that book through her..and I have no doubt she would fully agree!
So there is it...my taste for reading has come..something I longed for as I have bought countless books, sat in book stores for HOURS....smelled the inside of books...yes I said smelled...there's something about the inside of a new book..the pages so fresh..and yes I JUST had to stop and smell one...
and then there is almost a "magic" (I use that term loosely) in an old book...that smell of ...well it is almost a smell of history..I feel like I go back with the book, and I am in that place where the book was published so many years before my existence...something I will never get tired of...
and now with my love and passion for books...I have a taste..and it is sweeter than anything I have tasted...it has opened my mind, my heart, my conversations with God...my inner most being to who He created me..and I look forward to this new journey that God has given me...along with so much more....
I pray each of you find your "taste"
"I pray You, O God, that I may be beautiful within" Socrates
"I have found my beautiful" Made to Crave
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not"
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:4
Love you All <3
Sunday, February 20, 2011
New Semester..joy...healing...restoration..updates..God's GLORY!
My time lately has been taken up with my newest semester of school...I can't say I am truly "enjoying" it, as I have Physics, now part 1 as I took them in reverse, and I am not a science person...
And I am continuing in Spanish, now part 2, which I enjoy because of my personal connection with my husband and his family and yet I am disappointed, because the rate at which we are going, I am able to make great grades, and understand a lot of it, but not speak it as well as I hoped...I would LOVE the Rosetta Stone program, but WHEW it is costly...so it may take some years AFTER this semester to learn Spanish, but I am determined it will happen...I have multi-reasons..personal achievement, family, but my heart says mission trips in my future...
along with that I am taking a KINE or PE class...stretch/flex, which is wonderful, but the professor, well not so much...I think I can handle her in her unkindness, but it isn't my favorite for sure....
that is all for in class...BUT I am enrolled in 2 correspondence studies, and have officially started one...and well, I am not a correspondence person, I am doing this to have enough University credits vrs Junior College so that I qualify hours wise for graduation with honors...and so it will be worth it...sadly one of the is Biology, another science, and I have come to the realization that sciences are not my friend...I am working past this dislike for one another...you see science doesn't like me either..I just know it! ;-) And so it leaves me wanting to just give up and cry..I don't, but that is the thought as I read about autotrophs, and diploids and other words I can't pronounce, and unsure of what they mean. So, as I read I look up words and then think BLAH, because this is going to take MUCH more time than I hoped! Sounded so simple...and yet no...and then I want to jump to my other course, FINE ARTS...something I am more than happy to take..something I am familiar with and believe I will zoom through....BUT something in me says NO...get through BIO Lessons 1-4, (2wks worth of work) and then the Fine Arts (1-4)...you can only submit 2 assignments a week, so it is in my favor to jump back and forth....anyways I sigh....
I know i can do this, but maybe so late at night is NOT the time to continue, just pick it up tomorrow....yep that's what I will do....maybe ...
outside of school life has been busy, I can't believe we are so close to March already...this year is flying by and it's so strange .... and yet I feel God pulling me and guiding me each day...I use the word pulling because I feel I am often so caught up in the busy that my priorities of life are not in the right order...something God recently brought to my attention and we are working in this ...
something else I have to share is the healing of a friendship that has taken place..GODLY healing...this friend knows everything I am about to say here, I have said to her, but I won't reveal her here out of her privacy =)...so about a year ago a friendship ended..due to hurt, lies, deception..you name it, we had it...and I knew walking away wasn't the best choice, but I had no idea how to confront any of it and so I walked away...and it haunted me...I went through so many stages of angry, resentment, hurt, hatred, trying to forgive, but couldn't let it be...after about 6 months I forgave, and yet there was such an uneasy feeling in this and I couldn't shake it...a mentor/friend at one point said that I would have to talk it through with her, to which I said NO, my life was better w/o all of it...was I wrong, because I held onto it, in the back of my mind there continued an uneasy feeling...even after seeing each other during summer I walked away with peace and healing, and yet knew it wasn't "finished" but this time knew God would have to work...over the last year, even months, I would tell people we would NEVER be friends again, NEVER...that ONLY an act of God would heal and create a friendship...well what follows would and is only an act of God...only HE can create healing in the most unpredictable ways...and He did...He healed all of the nasty feeling, and restored our friendship...almost unbelievable if I wasn't there to witness it myself...we talked, talked, talked...apologized, prayed, forgave...and it was unlike anything I can put in words...it feels as if no time has past and yet a year did...but our friendship picked up right where it was ...EXCEPT, and this is key...we have God right in the center...we aren't perfect people, we will mess up again, but there is no lies in between, if we have something to share we will..if we have something we are upset with or about we share...satan does NOT get a place in this friendship...and it is God's will for this friendship to be, He has full control...not us..
which really had me think about the last year, as I have reflected before on...but in all relationships this is God's desire, that we don't allow the lies of this world to come between them, because that is what they are LIES..and this world is not why we are here...not at all...and THIS is ALL for God's glory!!
Going outside of school and this healed friendship, which connected because we have classes together, is family...how is my family???
PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!! :-) Gotcha there huh? LOL...we are a mess together, and I love it!
JJ struggled and still has days, in school, but nothing like last year, so he is growing and progress has been made...I could say it was him getting older, different routine, different teachers, his understanding...I COULD say all of this, BUT it'd be wrong..throw in ANY factor you want..there is ONLY one reason JJ is coming along better... GOD...through the power of prayer...I have had people praying over him, for this specific reason, for this specific semester...and GOD is listening and answering every prayer...the days aren't perfect, some days are just plain bad...but JJ is overall doing wonderful <3 it is a miracle from God <3 and I am just in AWE...health wise too..we did have to up meds, we do have the reality of him growing and getting older, but GOD has a plan, and HIS will be DONE!
And boy does he make us laugh..JJ has the funniest personality next to his dad, only JJ gets cute little boy points .. sorry Babe, but you get cute manly points ;-p
He has a joyful spirit, and soooo kind..yes he is a toot and can be mouthy...but when you listen, I mean REALLY listen to his words, voice, tones..he has the sweetest spirit in him, that is FILLEd with love and fight...the two elements..no gifts, that God gave him to survive and live <3 One of my blessings <3
Then I have my Bug...what can I say about this amazing wonderful daughter of mine? She is just that...she is almost 14 (WOW)...she will be in high school next year (DOUBLE WOW)...and yet she has the most amazing outlook on life, and love that overflows from her very being..the gift of love, understanding, compassion and yet KNOWs what God desires of her, KNOWS what she wants in life, in friendships and relationships...she sees past all of this middle school junk and knows it isn't real, it isn't right...NOW she is UNPERFECT by every since of the word...but to me she is just right...she messes up, she fixes it..she is quiet and yet won't stop talking sometimes...she LOVES her brother and yet he annoys her too..but what I admire among many things is her ability to see where she needs to grow..and to ask me for help..I love having talks with her, we share about life, about God together and I am just in AWE...I love seeing God POUR out of her <3
And last but not least by far is my amazing wonderful Hubby...where do I start with this man??? Just thinking about him makes my heart race...I hear him right now "watching" tv, snoring on the couch and I giggle...Have you ever met or do you have a person in your life that just gets you? the person who NEVER thinks a bad thought of you? the one you can cry to on a bad night because your sick and the hot water is out and you wanted a shower and doesn't think you're insane?? Someone who looks for whatever they can do to just make you smile or laugh?? Who looks at you as if you are the most beautiful person in the world? That when he sees you, he sees YOU...Well that is my husband...after 10yrs he still makes my heart flip, even more now...and as I type about him I almost cry because I can't believe that God gave me all this in my husband...he is my very best friend, he is THE ONE, he is more than I ever imagined being married would be...he listens to me, we talk..we cry, we laugh...and yes we do disagree, but we're learning how to do this while keep respect for the other, difficult, not mastered, but a wonderful work in progress...and we learn each time...I look forward to every single morning because I know he will kiss me goodbye before work..and when I don't think he has I call him to be sad, and he so nicely replies, "I did kiss you sucka, you were muttering and turned over"...and I laugh because I know it happened just that way...I can't wait every night for him to come home, I love just being with him..I love watching him do repairs, because it reminds me how blessed I am to have a handy man hubby, and one who looks so good doing it ;-p BONUS , lol...and he works SO hard for our family...whatever it takes he is doing it, he supports my school 110% PLUS..he encourages me everyday and helps me believe in who I am...I never knew it would be like this..and I don't think I ever "got" the meaning of becoming one in flesh before...but with God and His plans, and His grace..we are <3 call us husband and wife, best friends, soul mates, lovers, parents...whatever name you give us, we are one <3 and that is ALL God's glory...
And at the end of each day...usually when everyone is asleep and the house is so very quiet I love to sit and close my eyes and just listen..listen to the quiet yes..but listen to God as He shows me glimpses of the blessings He gave in that day..the areas that I didn't give to Him and took over...the parts where I just completely messed up and would have to ask forgiveness..and the parts where I let Him do His work <3 ...and I go to sleep talking with Him, and listening...that's why I am here, why we are here...for HIM, for His Glory <3 in every moment...do i get it all right? NO ... do I even come close? NO...I am so far away, and yet growing, and I am learning and seeing...what a gift from God <3
Hope everyone has a wonderful night <3 time for me to go listen <3
Love you all <3
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:8-10
And I am continuing in Spanish, now part 2, which I enjoy because of my personal connection with my husband and his family and yet I am disappointed, because the rate at which we are going, I am able to make great grades, and understand a lot of it, but not speak it as well as I hoped...I would LOVE the Rosetta Stone program, but WHEW it is costly...so it may take some years AFTER this semester to learn Spanish, but I am determined it will happen...I have multi-reasons..personal achievement, family, but my heart says mission trips in my future...
along with that I am taking a KINE or PE class...stretch/flex, which is wonderful, but the professor, well not so much...I think I can handle her in her unkindness, but it isn't my favorite for sure....
that is all for in class...BUT I am enrolled in 2 correspondence studies, and have officially started one...and well, I am not a correspondence person, I am doing this to have enough University credits vrs Junior College so that I qualify hours wise for graduation with honors...and so it will be worth it...sadly one of the is Biology, another science, and I have come to the realization that sciences are not my friend...I am working past this dislike for one another...you see science doesn't like me either..I just know it! ;-) And so it leaves me wanting to just give up and cry..I don't, but that is the thought as I read about autotrophs, and diploids and other words I can't pronounce, and unsure of what they mean. So, as I read I look up words and then think BLAH, because this is going to take MUCH more time than I hoped! Sounded so simple...and yet no...and then I want to jump to my other course, FINE ARTS...something I am more than happy to take..something I am familiar with and believe I will zoom through....BUT something in me says NO...get through BIO Lessons 1-4, (2wks worth of work) and then the Fine Arts (1-4)...you can only submit 2 assignments a week, so it is in my favor to jump back and forth....anyways I sigh....
I know i can do this, but maybe so late at night is NOT the time to continue, just pick it up tomorrow....yep that's what I will do....maybe ...
outside of school life has been busy, I can't believe we are so close to March already...this year is flying by and it's so strange .... and yet I feel God pulling me and guiding me each day...I use the word pulling because I feel I am often so caught up in the busy that my priorities of life are not in the right order...something God recently brought to my attention and we are working in this ...
something else I have to share is the healing of a friendship that has taken place..GODLY healing...this friend knows everything I am about to say here, I have said to her, but I won't reveal her here out of her privacy =)...so about a year ago a friendship ended..due to hurt, lies, deception..you name it, we had it...and I knew walking away wasn't the best choice, but I had no idea how to confront any of it and so I walked away...and it haunted me...I went through so many stages of angry, resentment, hurt, hatred, trying to forgive, but couldn't let it be...after about 6 months I forgave, and yet there was such an uneasy feeling in this and I couldn't shake it...a mentor/friend at one point said that I would have to talk it through with her, to which I said NO, my life was better w/o all of it...was I wrong, because I held onto it, in the back of my mind there continued an uneasy feeling...even after seeing each other during summer I walked away with peace and healing, and yet knew it wasn't "finished" but this time knew God would have to work...over the last year, even months, I would tell people we would NEVER be friends again, NEVER...that ONLY an act of God would heal and create a friendship...well what follows would and is only an act of God...only HE can create healing in the most unpredictable ways...and He did...He healed all of the nasty feeling, and restored our friendship...almost unbelievable if I wasn't there to witness it myself...we talked, talked, talked...apologized, prayed, forgave...and it was unlike anything I can put in words...it feels as if no time has past and yet a year did...but our friendship picked up right where it was ...EXCEPT, and this is key...we have God right in the center...we aren't perfect people, we will mess up again, but there is no lies in between, if we have something to share we will..if we have something we are upset with or about we share...satan does NOT get a place in this friendship...and it is God's will for this friendship to be, He has full control...not us..
which really had me think about the last year, as I have reflected before on...but in all relationships this is God's desire, that we don't allow the lies of this world to come between them, because that is what they are LIES..and this world is not why we are here...not at all...and THIS is ALL for God's glory!!
Going outside of school and this healed friendship, which connected because we have classes together, is family...how is my family???
PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!! :-) Gotcha there huh? LOL...we are a mess together, and I love it!
JJ struggled and still has days, in school, but nothing like last year, so he is growing and progress has been made...I could say it was him getting older, different routine, different teachers, his understanding...I COULD say all of this, BUT it'd be wrong..throw in ANY factor you want..there is ONLY one reason JJ is coming along better... GOD...through the power of prayer...I have had people praying over him, for this specific reason, for this specific semester...and GOD is listening and answering every prayer...the days aren't perfect, some days are just plain bad...but JJ is overall doing wonderful <3 it is a miracle from God <3 and I am just in AWE...health wise too..we did have to up meds, we do have the reality of him growing and getting older, but GOD has a plan, and HIS will be DONE!
And boy does he make us laugh..JJ has the funniest personality next to his dad, only JJ gets cute little boy points .. sorry Babe, but you get cute manly points ;-p
He has a joyful spirit, and soooo kind..yes he is a toot and can be mouthy...but when you listen, I mean REALLY listen to his words, voice, tones..he has the sweetest spirit in him, that is FILLEd with love and fight...the two elements..no gifts, that God gave him to survive and live <3 One of my blessings <3
Then I have my Bug...what can I say about this amazing wonderful daughter of mine? She is just that...she is almost 14 (WOW)...she will be in high school next year (DOUBLE WOW)...and yet she has the most amazing outlook on life, and love that overflows from her very being..the gift of love, understanding, compassion and yet KNOWs what God desires of her, KNOWS what she wants in life, in friendships and relationships...she sees past all of this middle school junk and knows it isn't real, it isn't right...NOW she is UNPERFECT by every since of the word...but to me she is just right...she messes up, she fixes it..she is quiet and yet won't stop talking sometimes...she LOVES her brother and yet he annoys her too..but what I admire among many things is her ability to see where she needs to grow..and to ask me for help..I love having talks with her, we share about life, about God together and I am just in AWE...I love seeing God POUR out of her <3
And last but not least by far is my amazing wonderful Hubby...where do I start with this man??? Just thinking about him makes my heart race...I hear him right now "watching" tv, snoring on the couch and I giggle...Have you ever met or do you have a person in your life that just gets you? the person who NEVER thinks a bad thought of you? the one you can cry to on a bad night because your sick and the hot water is out and you wanted a shower and doesn't think you're insane?? Someone who looks for whatever they can do to just make you smile or laugh?? Who looks at you as if you are the most beautiful person in the world? That when he sees you, he sees YOU...Well that is my husband...after 10yrs he still makes my heart flip, even more now...and as I type about him I almost cry because I can't believe that God gave me all this in my husband...he is my very best friend, he is THE ONE, he is more than I ever imagined being married would be...he listens to me, we talk..we cry, we laugh...and yes we do disagree, but we're learning how to do this while keep respect for the other, difficult, not mastered, but a wonderful work in progress...and we learn each time...I look forward to every single morning because I know he will kiss me goodbye before work..and when I don't think he has I call him to be sad, and he so nicely replies, "I did kiss you sucka, you were muttering and turned over"...and I laugh because I know it happened just that way...I can't wait every night for him to come home, I love just being with him..I love watching him do repairs, because it reminds me how blessed I am to have a handy man hubby, and one who looks so good doing it ;-p BONUS , lol...and he works SO hard for our family...whatever it takes he is doing it, he supports my school 110% PLUS..he encourages me everyday and helps me believe in who I am...I never knew it would be like this..and I don't think I ever "got" the meaning of becoming one in flesh before...but with God and His plans, and His grace..we are <3 call us husband and wife, best friends, soul mates, lovers, parents...whatever name you give us, we are one <3 and that is ALL God's glory...
And at the end of each day...usually when everyone is asleep and the house is so very quiet I love to sit and close my eyes and just listen..listen to the quiet yes..but listen to God as He shows me glimpses of the blessings He gave in that day..the areas that I didn't give to Him and took over...the parts where I just completely messed up and would have to ask forgiveness..and the parts where I let Him do His work <3 ...and I go to sleep talking with Him, and listening...that's why I am here, why we are here...for HIM, for His Glory <3 in every moment...do i get it all right? NO ... do I even come close? NO...I am so far away, and yet growing, and I am learning and seeing...what a gift from God <3
Hope everyone has a wonderful night <3 time for me to go listen <3
Love you all <3
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:8-10
Monday, January 10, 2011
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