One of the things I really enjoy is my family...I love being with them, and doing things together, and spending time just getting to know them more intimately...I have to say that being a mother came naturally for me. I knew from an early age I wanted to be a mom...but I had no idea how early that would come for me...despite the fact I was the one making the choices I did to become a mom so early, it was still a surprise...
many people know I became a mom when I was 15, and she was born right after I turned 16...I don't share this to be proud of being a teen mom, but I am thankful for God's sovereign love, through this, and I just love my daughter...and I share because despite the shock people have, this is a big part of the journey God has me on....NO it was not in His plan for my to have a child so young, this is the full result of my own choices, BUT I know He allowed it and honestly Kelli coming into my life when she did saved me from a lifestyle that wasn't one I am proud of...I have been proud of her from the moment she entered this world...and I gleam as I talk about her, because she is my baby girl, who is now 12...she was/is healthy, and beautiful and the easiest and most simplistic baby ever, it was wonderful, and life just seemed so alive with her, I have always told people she is my angel (not in a weird way ;-) but she truly opened my eyes to the world...and I knew I was meant to be a mom..I knew this was my "purpose" in life...( I will get back to those quotes later ) 
Many years passed by, and many wrong turns along the way (a story for another time)...and one in particular that changed my entire life...the day I found God...truly found Him...this day I will never forget because I was in a place that I didn't like, I was knocked to the ground and my face in the dirt, and although this wasn't the first time, this time when it happened, I heard God, and I listened....before I knew it my life was turning in circles and I was in church and I was a child of God..still in my heart with my "purpose" being a mom...now by this point I have been married for1.5 years..and it was a rough, to say the very least, time...I know most marriages say the first year is rough, but ours was beyond normal rough with circumstances that I couldn't share without discussing it with my hubby and praying long and hard, so we will leave it at rough...and I have found God- and jumped feet first into church and bible studies and everything I could see God on I wanted a part of that...when you first become a Christian it seems like your floating on cloud 9 for a long time and life is just wonderful, and it is a long time before your feet ever touch the ground..but this was not the case for me, God knew it simply wasn't going to be that way... my husband, and I had been talking about trying to have a baby..and realizing how rough things were going I decided (yes me) we needed to wait..and without giving it a thought my mind was made up...but God had other plans...Fabian was coming to church, and although it was still rough for us things were getting better...and I was thankful for that...and then on New Years Day of 2003 I found out I was pregnant..."Happy New Year" ;-) although I was sure in my decision to wait I knew this was God's plan and that He always knows what He is doing...and there was that thought that maybe this would help the rough spots and everything was going to be wonderful and happy..life was going to be just "perfect"..finally, I had been waiting on this since I had become a young mom, but this time was different, I was married and we were having a baby, and I am a Christian and I was doing it all right...awww sounded just like the happy life I had always imagined and desired....
many people know I became a mom when I was 15, and she was born right after I turned 16...I don't share this to be proud of being a teen mom, but I am thankful for God's sovereign love, through this, and I just love my daughter...and I share because despite the shock people have, this is a big part of the journey God has me on....NO it was not in His plan for my to have a child so young, this is the full result of my own choices, BUT I know He allowed it and honestly Kelli coming into my life when she did saved me from a lifestyle that wasn't one I am proud of...I have been proud of her from the moment she entered this world...and I gleam as I talk about her, because she is my baby girl, who is now 12...she was/is healthy, and beautiful and the easiest and most simplistic baby ever, it was wonderful, and life just seemed so alive with her, I have always told people she is my angel (not in a weird way ;-) but she truly opened my eyes to the world...and I knew I was meant to be a mom..I knew this was my "purpose" in life...( I will get back to those quotes later )
Many years passed by, and many wrong turns along the way (a story for another time)...and one in particular that changed my entire life...the day I found God...truly found Him...this day I will never forget because I was in a place that I didn't like, I was knocked to the ground and my face in the dirt, and although this wasn't the first time, this time when it happened, I heard God, and I listened....before I knew it my life was turning in circles and I was in church and I was a child of God..still in my heart with my "purpose" being a mom...now by this point I have been married for1.5 years..and it was a rough, to say the very least, time...I know most marriages say the first year is rough, but ours was beyond normal rough with circumstances that I couldn't share without discussing it with my hubby and praying long and hard, so we will leave it at rough...and I have found God- and jumped feet first into church and bible studies and everything I could see God on I wanted a part of that...when you first become a Christian it seems like your floating on cloud 9 for a long time and life is just wonderful, and it is a long time before your feet ever touch the ground..but this was not the case for me, God knew it simply wasn't going to be that way... my husband, and I had been talking about trying to have a baby..and realizing how rough things were going I decided (yes me) we needed to wait..and without giving it a thought my mind was made up...but God had other plans...Fabian was coming to church, and although it was still rough for us things were getting better...and I was thankful for that...and then on New Years Day of 2003 I found out I was pregnant..."Happy New Year" ;-) although I was sure in my decision to wait I knew this was God's plan and that He always knows what He is doing...and there was that thought that maybe this would help the rough spots and everything was going to be wonderful and happy..life was going to be just "perfect"..finally, I had been waiting on this since I had become a young mom, but this time was different, I was married and we were having a baby, and I am a Christian and I was doing it all right...awww sounded just like the happy life I had always imagined and desired.... I was right about 4 months pregnant and went in for a check up..I SO badly wanted to know if we were having a little boy or girl and Fabian and Kel were just as excited, the doctor was scheduling my next appointment when I ask about the ultrasound..he said he had thought about waiting until the 5 month check up, but if I really wanted to he would set it up for the next week..(and I REALLY wanted to!) So, we made our appointment and were thrilled! The next week came...the ultrasound woman was doing her thing, looking at measurements..and we were just crossing our fingers we'd get a peek at what we were having...she was taking a while and finally she announced it, "Well your having a boy, and he is about the size of a jellybean (and now you see why he is named JJ- "Jellybean Junior" he will thank his Mema for that one day) but this was followed by, "Ok well sometimes the doctors like to look at these things, so I am going to get him and I will be right back"...my stomach sinks today at that memory, as if it were yesterday...although I turned to Fabi and said "see I knew he was a boy"...inside I knew something wasn't right, I had a baby before and he never looked at the ultrasound, but being the analyzer I am, I thought oh stop it Rachel...don't be silly, everything is just fine......the doctor walked in...he said his hellos...and quickly went to the ultrasound...and I saw my son's heart beat as he begins..."By this time a babies heart should have formed 4 chambers, and right now we can only see 2...but we are just going to get you into to see a specialist ultrasound tech, with colors, to get a better look, so no worries" As uneasy as I was, I thought ok he said no worries, so it is ok...then he followed it with, "you will have an appointment set for tomorrow at 8am" ...so I don't know about most people, but when you are seeing a specialist the next day...I knew this was a little more serious than I had originally imagined...and it all begin...
and I spent every moment I could next to him..they let Kelli come in although the age requirement was 12, and she was 6...but they made it happen..and this is where we lived and stayed for 7 long days before surgery...the day of surgery was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...to let my child go into an open heart surgery at one week old, but I knew I had no choice...and he was in the hands of a very gifted and prayed over surgeon, and more important he was in the hands of God...and that while a comfort, doesn't lessen that pain...all I remember was as they took him in the incubator I fell down to the floor...and sobbed...I am sure so many people heard my pain that day, and some wondered why and others maybe just thought I was strange, and yet others probably hurt with me...this was one of the longest days of my life...waiting to hear the phone ring for an update, and it was awful...but I knew God was there, I knew He cried with me that day...and I know now, it was all for a bigger plan...JJ struggled during the end of the surgery, he lost blood pressure, they had already started going off the bypass, and quickly had to get back on...and even after surgery he had a rough recovery...the next month was rough in the hospital. 
Many times we almost lost him, and many tears were shed...not only for JJ, but for Kelli who had waited so long to become a big sister, and she was ready to be the best sister ever, and she had/has a heart that just wanted to love...one day JJ had not been doing well...and they had to bag him for 30 min the night before...never understood that until much later, that for 30min he didn't breathe, and they did it for him...and the next day was going rough...and I remember it was that day where I realized what God had ask me to do by trusting Him and giving my children to Him..they are His, and only mine to raise..I got on my knees and just told Him I was letting them go, and JJ specifically go..and if He needed JJ in heaven I understood, but if He would give me the honor and privilege to raise him, I would raise him to know God and love God...and I would take ANYTHING that came our direction ( which later when he was diagnosed Autistic, I did realize God took this literally!) Well JJ came home....on 8 meds that he took 4 times a day and on a feeding tube, which we got off as fast as we could..and since he has undergone many many heart caths, in fact one is coming up in May...2 additional open heart surgeries, which he pushed his way through to get home in record time 5 days!... many changes in medicines..and all these minor "tune ups" along the way...and a lifetime more to come, but we know God will equip us with our needs when those come...and Kelli although we missed her the 1st grade year, so many things I can't begin to remember, she was covered by God in a private school through our church, where she got to pray along with the entire school for JJ on a daily basis and they covered her...and as the time went on I had to face that if my sole "purpose" was to be a mom, and something happened to JJ or even Kel, I was ask what would be my purpose...and realized my answer was I wouldn't have one...and since God has taught me I was wrong...I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND MY PURPOSE IS TO SERVE HIM AND LOVE HIM AND GLORIFY HIM...being a mom was a wonderful and blessed role I have been given the privilege to have and I am so very very thankful!
Now Kelli is still my angel, my bright and shiny star, but just as human as we all are, she has an amazing and loving heart and desire to serve those around her, and her willingness to jump in and help where she is needed is such a gift..and JJ has the fire inside of him like I have never seen, he is a fighter..PRAISE God, it is that in him which has pushed him through to fight for his life, with God as his strength! I praise and thank God for both of my children and for my husband...another role I learned to love is being a wife, what a wonderful and amazing gift as well!
a whirlwind of information came our way the next morning as the perinatal group informed us of what looked like Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome..and that a cardiologist would meet us in a few weeks, but now we were to change OB's to one that works at Brack (because it was connected to Childrens at the time) and we would come in weekly for ultrasounds....I have to admit at this point I was no longer excited about the ultrasounds...but I trusted God..and we just kept going forward, in what now I realize was a fog..and maybe numbness...
we met with the cardiologist very soon after who informed us of this life and statistics that make my skin crawl...and the surgeries and things we would face in our future...I left that day just giving it to God and I think now just overwhelmed with all this new life we would have...we have a wonderful church home, who just took us under their wings and showered us with God's truth, love and promises..it saved my life, to know that there is a loving God who has a plan for this..and He already knew what was going to happen...
to back up just a little I had gone to a retreat before we knew any of this, and one of the subjects was about giving your children to God..and I thought oh not a problem, He can have them, this is my "purpose" (there is that word again) and they were His..okay easy so what's next..little did I know I would have to act on this and very very soon...although that moment didn't enter my head again until after JJ was born....
despite his heart condition, he grew so healthy inside of me and came out SO big at 8lbs 4oz!!! He was the giant in the NICU the week before surgery..and I spent every moment I could next to him..they let Kelli come in although the age requirement was 12, and she was 6...but they made it happen..and this is where we lived and stayed for 7 long days before surgery...the day of surgery was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...to let my child go into an open heart surgery at one week old, but I knew I had no choice...and he was in the hands of a very gifted and prayed over surgeon, and more important he was in the hands of God...and that while a comfort, doesn't lessen that pain...all I remember was as they took him in the incubator I fell down to the floor...and sobbed...I am sure so many people heard my pain that day, and some wondered why and others maybe just thought I was strange, and yet others probably hurt with me...this was one of the longest days of my life...waiting to hear the phone ring for an update, and it was awful...but I knew God was there, I knew He cried with me that day...and I know now, it was all for a bigger plan...JJ struggled during the end of the surgery, he lost blood pressure, they had already started going off the bypass, and quickly had to get back on...and even after surgery he had a rough recovery...the next month was rough in the hospital. Many times we almost lost him, and many tears were shed...not only for JJ, but for Kelli who had waited so long to become a big sister, and she was ready to be the best sister ever, and she had/has a heart that just wanted to love...one day JJ had not been doing well...and they had to bag him for 30 min the night before...never understood that until much later, that for 30min he didn't breathe, and they did it for him...and the next day was going rough...and I remember it was that day where I realized what God had ask me to do by trusting Him and giving my children to Him..they are His, and only mine to raise..I got on my knees and just told Him I was letting them go, and JJ specifically go..and if He needed JJ in heaven I understood, but if He would give me the honor and privilege to raise him, I would raise him to know God and love God...and I would take ANYTHING that came our direction ( which later when he was diagnosed Autistic, I did realize God took this literally!) Well JJ came home....on 8 meds that he took 4 times a day and on a feeding tube, which we got off as fast as we could..and since he has undergone many many heart caths, in fact one is coming up in May...2 additional open heart surgeries, which he pushed his way through to get home in record time 5 days!... many changes in medicines..and all these minor "tune ups" along the way...and a lifetime more to come, but we know God will equip us with our needs when those come...and Kelli although we missed her the 1st grade year, so many things I can't begin to remember, she was covered by God in a private school through our church, where she got to pray along with the entire school for JJ on a daily basis and they covered her...and as the time went on I had to face that if my sole "purpose" was to be a mom, and something happened to JJ or even Kel, I was ask what would be my purpose...and realized my answer was I wouldn't have one...and since God has taught me I was wrong...I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND MY PURPOSE IS TO SERVE HIM AND LOVE HIM AND GLORIFY HIM...being a mom was a wonderful and blessed role I have been given the privilege to have and I am so very very thankful!
Now Kelli is still my angel, my bright and shiny star, but just as human as we all are, she has an amazing and loving heart and desire to serve those around her, and her willingness to jump in and help where she is needed is such a gift..and JJ has the fire inside of him like I have never seen, he is a fighter..PRAISE God, it is that in him which has pushed him through to fight for his life, with God as his strength! I praise and thank God for both of my children and for my husband...another role I learned to love is being a wife, what a wonderful and amazing gift as well!
In being a mom..a role that has many different roles mixed into it, I LOVE being a mom..I was ask one time if I could change anything, like waiting longer to have my first child, or given the chance to have JJ not have his heart condition, would I? And simply the answer is no...because if I waited for Kel or JJ not to have his condition...they wouldn't exist, I would have 2 completely different children...and I wouldn't change my children for anything, they have added so much life to me..and given me more than I could have imagined...they have given me pieces of myself I didn't know I had....
So our cloud 9 wasn't typical...and being a Christian hasn't promised us an easy journey, in fact it has been tough, but full of joys, just a different color of joy than I thought, one I didn't know existed, one with God leading the way..And as I prayed for this entry, I had no idea that God would have me share this story...one so many know parts of, but others may not...but this is one of my doors, and this is such a huge part of a journey... my journey
We often never know the impact that sharing our lives and our faith has on those around us......but your story could do nothing but lift up those around and remind them that God is in control and there are really no mistakes....thank you dear for sharing and increasing our faith and belief in Him and that there are no mistakes....love, Dad
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