SO I left off at the end of May...onto my sabbatical...after what had been more than a "rough" year...JJ had an awful year, my school year, my relationships in life...everything had been AWFUL! I was broken, tired, sad, and anything but compassionate..I felt out of control and just done...
so onto my sabbatical I went..unsure of why God had chosen this word, what was in store..BUT one thing I knew for sure...it would be life changing...
and so it began...
I DECIDED what God was going to do, I KNEW it would be SOO awesome, I KNEW everyone was just going to look and go WOW...
BOY WAS I WRONG...I had tried to figure out what God was going to do and thought I would accomplish it so awesome, fast and it would be almost unbelievable to those who looked on..HA HA HA! Wrong again...
I have to go back a little to bring you to today...
Last year as I said before was one of the toughest years in my life...which seems odd for those of you who know me and my life intimately, you know we've walked through some crazy life moments, scary moments, and very sad and heart breaking moments...
but last year it was almost like it caught up, and so begin what would end up being the most amazing moments in my life...
My son began Kindergarten last year, and Kel was in 7th and I was continuing in my courses...Fall Schedule I decided 3 courses was enough because I had Physics, with that I took Teaching Math and British Lit....It was a tough load....
September 29th during Physics I get a call, my uncle had died in a car accident...my heart broke...this was the closest loss I had walked through in my life..you see my uncle and me would email every week, he would share family history with me, he would show pictures, and always ask about my life and what I was doing...and in this moment that all stopped, and in this moment my life was a little emptier...I hadn't gone through grief like this before, when my Grandfather died I was sad, but he had lived such a long full life, it was okay..but my uncle, well it didn't feel like he was done living...
right before this happened, JJ had been mishandled at school and moved classes and while he was trying to adjust to this, it wasn't happening...and my "Mommy mode" was constantly on, ready to defend EVERYWHERE...and now grief...
within a few weeks of this I decided I needed to finally get Migraine medicine because Motrin wasn't working..and THAT ended me up in the ER at 1am getting steroids and whatever else to stop this reaction...so I still had migraines and I now I was in defensive mode, grieving, and now in pain and tired..oh and gained 15lbs from the meds and felt depressed...
somehow we survived this semester...and made it to Christmas, a sense of relief was there in the fact that my semester was done, made a B in Physics, JJ was settling into a routine, and well that was that...
I grieved for my uncles absence at Christmas, it didn't feel real, in someways still doesn't, but it is....
one day I had lunch with a "friend" before I started back to school for Spring semester, and she shared a very hurtful event in my life she had heard, one that I have continued to have to relive over and over...a huge mistake I made that a told a "friend" about and she repeated over and over...I was devastated...I was so very broken with hurt and anger, the friendship had already fizzled out by this time because of this and other reasons, but this was just a moment that broke me...
I realized the friendship that was still fizzling had to stop, now...I ended it the best way I knew how at the time, without being ugly or nasty, I ended it in silence...something I can now say wasn't the best way, but it truly was the only way I could at that time...anyways this is how Spring started, and it was heart breaking..
I don't know how many of you have ever lost a friendship that after you are so hurt by you can't imagine ever trusting someone in that way again, but that's where I was...
And so I started my next semester with 3 courses, not realizing how burned out I felt, and still in grief and hurt now, and before my classes started JJ's behavior was almost unreal...
I dropped my 3rd class early into the semester and so now I felt grief, defensive again, hurt and in pain, fat added to this list, and now a failure...but I hid it well to those around me, or at least I thought I did...
the rest of the semester was a huge blur...I sat alot, I cried alot, I got tough, there were meetings, and then it was over...and what was left of me??
very very broken...in my mind I had failed in all these areas, all of them...
So the end of May came, and here I am ready to quit...praying on my knees, grieving on my knees...and just asking God to take all these feelings and pain away...HEAL ME NOW I would cry...STOP THIS NOW I would scream, MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY I would sob....
and then when I was done, and it was quiet I heard God whisper "Sabbatical"
WHAT??? my reaction was one of uncertainty and a little excited (you can read that in the previous blog) and then I was THRILLED, which brings me back to earlier where I wrote and I quote "so onto my sabbatical I went..unsure of why God had chosen this word, what was instore..BUT one thing I knew for sure...it would be life changing...
and so it began...
I DECIDED what God was going to do, I KNEW it would be SOO awesome, I KNEW everyone was just going to look and go WOW..." end quote and worthy to say again BOY WAS I WRONG!!
May 30th it began...
So what would I do first, what did this entail, where should I start????? All the wrong questions...I sat for the next month doing nothing...I stopped being on facebook, I gained more weight and I sat sad...I felt alone, and still broken...
I would ask God why, when, how, what....and His silence would sadden me....then I thought Okay I have to get the weight off, that is the first thing I am going to do...AND nope, I gained a little more!
Then, about half way through summer, about 1+month into this, I realized I hadn't stopped talking, God wasn't silent, He just couldn't speak over me, or wouldn't because He needed me to hear Him...
this wasn't about a change ANYONE else could see, it was about Him changing me inside...
Summer was almost over, and being in Gods word constantly was amazing...He HEALED me inside...and then BLESSED me abundantly through a series of events that I can't put into words accuratley, but it was beautiful...
He brought people into my life for healing, He allowed complete healing with the friendship I walked away from w/o that door opening again...He changed my heart, He opened my eyes....
and guess what???
I am STILL broken...but He showed me that I always will be until heaven, He showed me why, and He taught me, is STILL teaching me who He created me to be, who He deisgned me to be...and well I mess up daily, and He is teaching me how to love my inperfections, and His divine forgiveness...
He is showing me how to be me, how to be the wife He desires, the mother He desires, and the friend..and that these will always be a day to day progression and that set backs will come, but He is right there when they do....
So where does that leave me? My Sabbactical?
Well I will always be a work in progress...always, but Our Sabbatical, me and God's, well I am still in it, He isn't ready for me to stop "ceasing", I am still so unsure what I am "ceasing" from...
and now a new school year has begun, schedules are crazy, and God is teaching me how to be with Him in each moment and come to Him daily and have quiet time with Him daily..that to is a work in progress....
so that's the update, I am still very much in a sabbatical, I am still very much unsure of what it means, I am still very much in love with God who knows me, and I am excited to see where HE takes me, what HE desires, and what HIS plans are for me...I am truly blessed by those in my life, and I am learning to never go a day without seeing, truly seeing each person in my life has a DIVINE purpose, and what a GIFT whether it is through laughter or hurt that they bring me...
I will share this now, I AM SO thankful for the hurt, pain, challenges, grief, and over emotion of last year, YES THANKFUL, those moments, those people, events, days, brought me to SURRENDER ALL...my life is 100% in Gods hands, and though I struggle to take it back daily, He is SO good to have Grace and Lovingly show me how to let it go....
Oh and just a bonus of how good He is, JJ is having a wonderful year, still challenges, but I see God working in Him and me to work together for JJ's success..and Kel is having an awesome year, she too had challenges last year and let me just say, if you ever get a chance to meet this beautiful girl, you will see God ALL over her, His work in her is nothing short of a miracle..ALL for His glory...
and although I haven't talked about my husband alot in this yet, he is such a gift and I would like to share what I feel he would be okay with..first he truly walked with me through last year, I don't know anyone who could've dealt with the ups, downs and inside out moments the way my husband did...he would be sad with me and for me, he would get angry for me when my hurt was devasting, he would laugh for me when the tears couldn't stop, and he would break down with me when I tried to pretend I could handle it all....and I fell more in love with my husband through this, but it wasn't a "temporary" moment...I saw the man that God, depsite both of our walks, God had picked Fabian for me...not by chance, not because we both asked Him, but He knew who I HAD to have walk through some of the most PAINFUL life moments with..He knew Fabian and I needed eachother as we watched over and over and over our son go into heart surgeries, and procedures, and as we watched JJ cry, when one of us fell apart the other was strong, GOD KNEW what He was doing...He knew that when we both wanted to walk away that we wouldn't, that one of us if not both would be strong for this marriage...and then He knew after the first years were so painfully rough that when we didn't see love in eachother that HE would intervene and find His place in our hearts...and He did, not in our time but His...God is the head of our home, and my husband is standing up to lead our home...and I am sitting beside him..and those who know us KNOW that ONLY a God of ALL miracles, love, soveregnty, forgivness..could do all of this...My husband is my hero, my friend and the most amazing person I am blessed to spend this life with...
I love him, and everyday I fall into love all over...
and me??? well this is where I am, I have FOUR classes again, Spanish included and I LOVE it..I have been fighting a cold for over a month, on meds, most likely a flu type virus that turned into infection...our kiddos have been sick forever too...I have had to juggle more than I am capable...but I am not alone, I have God holding it all, and I am just walking as He leads...I am filled with JOY, on the great days and the sad days...I am learning more and more in life and family and love...
and I am still walking WITH God leading through this journey, and sabbatical....if you see me you may not see a difference..if you know me..then you see..maybe seemingly small steps, but with GIANT results...I am praying as I send this out that God's words are written, I am praying for those who read this that they see God, and what He can do, I am nothing without Him...
I love you all, I am so blessed to be in your life, thank you
"Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" Psalm 51:10
~This is what God helped me cling too...such a gift..such an AWEsome God we serve~
~Runnin' on Joy~
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